It happened again. Another talk about how I need to just fully believe that I'll have another baby and it will happen. I appreciate the well meaning intentions, I do, but I must say, I absolutely disagree with this theology of manifesting whatever we want in life. I agree that sometimes we do attract positive or negative things and people into our lives because of our attitudes and beliefs, but this is definitely not true for everything. It isn't a one size fits all solution to all the world's pain. That is BS. Look around people! This world is full of a bunch of tragedy that faithful, praying people prayed, begged, and believed wouldn't happen, and yet it still did.
God didn't answer the way we wanted. Telling us to simply have faith and it will happen, only adds a subtle shame to our already wounded and heavy heart. I prayed and cried my guts out in the hospital for my daughter to be healed and to live, but she didn't. My faith was strong, believing and knowing God can and does miracles. And yet, God chose not to heal Wynter for some reason that I cannot see and probably won't fully see in this lifetime. I'm choosing to trust Him with my pain and my disappointment because He has been my greatest friend and parent throughout my life. He has proven Himself to be good and kind and present to me, so I am choosing to remember all of those times in this dark night. I have to believe that there's a good ending to my story, though it has been marred with much sorrow.
I absolutely believe that He can gift me with another baby, but it's not my place to demand that He do that and He doesn't owe me anything. He is the giver of all life and I'm not His boss, I'm His servant put on this earth for a reason. Do I pray for another child every single night? Of course I do... with faith that He hears me and will answer me according to His purposes for my life. Is it hard to pray with this unknowing? Of course. But I have too much respect for God to try and be His boss.
So please, friends, think through what you say to someone who is in deep grief, and recognize this subtle judgement of a lack of faith. It is the last thing a person in agony needs to hear.