Last time we were at this beach in Destin, we were newly mourning our daughter Wynter. It was beautiful and horribly sad. We never actually went in the water. We just waded the shores and stared into the vastness of the ocean at sunset every night, once most of the families had cleared out. I cried so much on that trip and kept my mind on thoughts of Heaven, imagining where my daughter was, as I desperately read everything I could about this hopeful life to come.
This time we arrived with two foster girls, excited to experience the Emerald Coast. This was the first beach experience for our 16 year old, which is the main reason we went. The first day was really fun at the beach and ended with an unexpected firework show at dusk. We felt peace and joy and lots of hope.
Then there was the second day, a stark contrast to the first. A bicycle accident that resulted in 17 stitches for our 12 year old, extra stress for everyone, and me in a grief bubble in my room that I couldn’t escape until the following day. I was overwhelmed by all of this new parenting stuff and grieving my precious daughter whose ashes I had partially released into this ocean only 8 months earlier. It wasn’t supposed to be this way and I wasn’t ok about it. As I lay in bed frozen with grief and talk-crying out to God for help, a thought entered my mind. A better title for the book I’ve been working on for the last four months as I process my journey back to trusting God after heartache. We’re all familiar with the song so often played at funerals, It Is Well With My Soul. But the honest truth is that it isn’t always well up in there. Sometimes we’re pissed off at God and don’t know how to trust him again when we feel he bailed on us.
So back to my depressed, curled up in a bawl, lying in the bed self with a moment of clarity. The title that I foresee sticking is “It Isn’t Well With My Soul: Surviving Child Loss Without Hating God”. I don’t know who will end up reading it or even why God put this book in my heart at this time when I’ve had no desire for pursuing much of anything. But I do know I have to finish writing it to find out what the next part of my story is and why God allowed me to suffer in this way. I may never know in this lifetime but I’m asking God for a glimpse of His redemption in the here and now and hoping to see some good emerge from all this pain. I have seen the good that still exists in my life, but I long to see more in this area. Please pray for me and us. Thank you so much.